Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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