Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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