there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
