Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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