I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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