Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
