Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
