i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
