Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
