My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I checked into jail on foursquare
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
we should paint friendship bongs
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