she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
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