My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
