I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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