do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
