Betty ford says i'm here all night
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
