and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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