im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
