Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
