dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
