Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
