And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
