I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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