So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
