saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
