Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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