why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Randomize
