a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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