I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
