i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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