i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
