My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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