No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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