Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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