highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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