Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
