there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
