I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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