I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
