I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
