I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
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