This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
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