I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
