Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Randomize
