He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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