I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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