I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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