My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
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