I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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