I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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