im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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