even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
