I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
