I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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